I have edited out names. This letter was written before a previous attempt.
Goodbyes and the truth.
I have written many of these before but I feel like finally I can post one. Just a disclaimer it might make me seem a little crazy, but those who have watched my stream for years and have known me on a personal level will understand this better than a stranger. Maybe this will be something some of you will laugh at, maybe it will be something that will change your perception on a lot of things. I wrote most of this a week ago. But today I came back home that this is the day.
I have always hated when people joked about depression. I have done a good job at hiding it somewhat for a long time.
Like I said many times, I feel like a few people will wonder why I decided to go through with it.. and the least I can do is provide an explanation. Maybe this post will seem like a “poor me, feel bad for me kind of post”.. but in a lot of ways I am not a good person. I just want whoever is reading to know why I feel the way I do.
My name is Jody, I’m freshly 24, and I last lived in Vancouver.
I grew up with a very troubled past. Life at home as a child was never great. This is actually the case for many individuals in the world. Divorce, common. Split families, common. Gambling habits, common. Feeling alone and neglected, very common.
Although all of these are factors to my upbringing, I still felt like I turned out okay. I did decent in school and I constantly worked to save up before landing income through YouTube. I feel like a lot of people use these factors as THE reason why they’re so mentally insane. I do, but only a tiny percentage, perhaps 2%. There are many other events that happened to me as a child but I don’t need to go into details for that.
I grew up alone, but I give many thanks to my oldest brother, Tom, for guiding me a lot of ways. When I was 8, he would come spend friday’s with me and his ex girlfriend and I wouldn’t be alone for the weekends. Weeknights I was alone entirely, seeing my mother a few times before she did her nightly routine. I eventually had a computer with internet but no idea what and how to use it besides random games and browsing pages that I probably should have not seen.. and I guess that’s when I started to realize how it was not normal for me to always be alone.I remember all the nights I would stay awake until 3am falling asleep on the futon beside my computer on the floor instead of my actual bed.. because nobody was ever there to tell me otherwise. During this time, I tried out starcraft because I realized people talked.. but me being young and horrible at the game, people just told me I suck.. lol shrugs
I remember calling Tom when I was 14 to cry over how people were bullying me and how alone I felt. Mind you, he was only 24 at the time and he just kept telling me it was going to be okay. It was the first time I cried to him about depression and little did I know how much worse it would get for the years to come.
Time flies, I eventually move out west coast. I went to 6 different elementary schools as a kid, I went to 2 junior highs, I went to 3 high schools. Is this not troubling? I always thought I would grow old and have kids and give them the life I never had.. but I’m weak.. I’d never want any of them to see me like this.
I don’t think I’m a bad person, not disregarding that I am entirely not perfect. I was never good at making friends or keeping them. I was pretty awkward and at times even a mean girl. I would always make friends with the “popular” kids but I would lean towards the less social people for feeling more comfortable. This…. does not always work. Anyway, this is not too significant but I was a bullied for parts of my school life, but I was also a bully. Ironic, right? It’s very odd because the boys who bullied me at Mt. Doug all know what they did by writing nasty things on Facebook when I have never done anything to them. The girls in Vancouver accused me of something I just took the blame for, but now a days those same girls preach being “kind and having a beautiful soul” on Instagram.
Anyway, fast forward to grade 12. I will never give enough thanks to my high school calculus and math teacher at Vic High. I was a bad kid, but I did well in school when I tried. Only he saw that. I will never forget the talk he gave me to start trying in school. Because of him, I was able to get scholarships for university and my grades were fine. You never know the impact that a teacher can give a student just by believing in them.
I move back to Ottawa for university. First year university was a breeze, I had a friend in all my classes. Kevin, even if we don’t talk anymore… I always thank you for being there. I felt amazingly alone when I got home from classes, if I ever even went.
I dated a bit, and I even started my first serious relationship. He is a really, really nice guy. Even when things went sour, he was always nice. Always caring, always there. I ruined him. He was raised right, and he was very good to me. I was not. Looking back, I don’t even know why I treated him so bad. A lot was just anger took out on him. 3 years later, we end things for good and on good terms. This taught me a lot about appreciation in my life as should everybody learn about at one point in their life.. but I guess this is where Karma comes in.
I reconnected with somebody else that I dated.. and I guess this is where the “main” part of this entire post is significant. I love this guy. I mean I really, really loved the guy. But again, I could never be perfect. I was jealous, I was clingy, and I was very emotional. I was blinded by his changes compared to 4 years before that I just threw everything I had for the second time. I dropped all that I had and went for it. He promised me good things, I believed. I did not do any of this because of chasing love, but rather I viewed him as my best friend and somebody I really felt supported me in my decisions. This went on for a long time, the amount of trust was unbelievable.
Don’t get me wrong, he’s a nice guy to his friends and family. Nobody ever believed me when I told them the way it was at home. I’ve counted 3 black eyes, unlimited bruises, countless times of being thrown on the ground, and 4 times I was choked til tears. The fights were always about the same thing, me wanting more effort on his end or being too clingy.. or saying things that he did not like. He’s amazing to his peers, there for them, will go out of his way for them. Very loyal as well.. but to me, I didn’t even get 5% of it. I am not perfect. I broke things around the house, but one thing I never, ever did.. was insult him or talk down on him.
I have been called every single insulting name out there besides my real name. I have been called Bitch and cunt so many times that I feel like it was plastered on my forehead. I’ve got scars on my body that taunt me, and i wake up from nightmares all the time. I tried my best to not stress him out. I tried my best to watch my words and actions, I tried for a long time to be perfect.
You see, nobody ever saw this. Nobody believed me besides close friends who would physically see the bruises and the times I cried for help from hurting so bad. Even after this post, a lot of you will not think any of it is true and “she’s just being dramatic”. I am in no way trying to make him into a bad person, he’s really not. In fact out of all his friends.. I can safely say that he is the most loyal and caring for them.
Depression is no joke. I’ve called suicide hotlines several times in the past 6 months, I have looked into therapy and anti-depressants.. and I tried to reach out about it to him. He told me that I’m pathetic and to not bring it up around him. I was a crybaby, I sulked too much. I think this hurt me the most because he was my best friend and who I looked to for support.. but instead I was thrown away like I was invisible. I guess it just all got to me. In fact, I just texted him that I felt so alone that i wanted to end my life, and again, he replied that I am pathetic.
And you know what, I am pathetic in many ways. I am not as successful or as intelligent as him and I sure as hell am not as strong. Til this day I admire so much about him. I mean, I really did care for this person. We had a lot of good times. In the end, it was all worth it.
Although this makes him seem evil, I still don’t believe he is. It was only this way to me, and it was not always this way. I held with all I had to the last bit of what I felt I could take… but eventually when you’re told that you’re not cared about enough, you begin to not even care about yourself anymore. If I could just pinpoint how I could stop making all this hurt go away, I would… but I can’t. And that’s why I’m here.
Now I know what a lot of you are thinking, “ why did she depend her happiness over one person..” entirely not true. I would not kill myself over a guy. But could I feel more broken from what has happened? Yes. Could it exemplify my emptiness and open my wounds, yes.
Realistically, this post may seem like I decided to end my life over a failed relationship. That is not true. It may have contributed to depression but all in all, I just feel alone. I may have had spurts of happiness, but whenever things turned sour, I returned right back to where he put me.
Money was NEVER a factor into depression. I’m very thankful for all the experiences I have conquered in this short lifetime of mine. I think the main port of all this is just general happiness and support. I tried my best to get both to where I could just relieve myself of all the hurting but I could not. I thought travel would help me “find myself” many times… but realistically folks, you’re going to just explore and come back with an emptier wallet.
I decided to stream yesterday to have a better idea of how I could move on just by talking. It helped temporarily and I woke up again feeling just worst after hearing that I’m worthless again. Maybe I am not worthless to a lot of you, in fact so many messages from strangers have said that.. but feeling worthless myself is a feeling that can only be felt by me.
Maybe this post makes seem like I’m crazy and i could not control my emotions, but rather it is everything combined and just not enough energy in me to explain.
I will always thank Alexandra for always being there for me when I needed her. She really, really helped me through the toughest times in life and even right now she is wanting to help me get back on track.
HN, you know who you are. The sweetest person who helped me get through a lot in the past 2 years. So many things that we never got to talk about but I just knew you were there. I know this will hurt you bad in many different ways and leave you confused and angry. Take care of your Brandon with all your heart.. and yes I believe he will achieve his dreams of becoming an oreo one day!
BY, I am literally in awe of how great of a person you are. An insane wanderlust and witty person, and just an overall good heart. Our friendship sprouted out of no where and very soon you became somebody I trusted with everything. Wherever you end up in life down the line, I wish you nothing but the most happiness.
JN, you are the sweetest girl I didn’t deserve. Moving away from you was one of the hardest milestones in my life. 5 years of friendship and I wouldn’t have traded you for anybody in the world. Please don’t fall for anymore f-boys. I can’t be there to tell you to stop anymore and I truly hope you get all the things you want in life.
RG, I am so proud of the person you have bloomed into. Thank you for the support for many years and just being a great friend, even when you did not realize it. Make sure you stay on track for your success like we have talked about many times.
KM, you came back to me to check on me even though we were on extremely bad terms. As much as I can get angry at you, you were there for me and was my best friend for years. Ambitious and always beautiful… I wish you the best.The world is a very evil place that will slowly sink toxicity into you without realizing, remember to be humble and remember where you came from.
My brother Jon, super nice guy. Nicest guy in my family actually. hope you get your life on track and I thank you for being such a good brother when we lived together. I’m sorry for not cooking more and sometimes just nagging but in reality it was only because I cared. Love you tons bro.
Burger squad… oh boy. LA group that I met up, honestly we met through gaming but I made such valuable friendships. I act up and be mean to you guys but you’re always so caring and kind no matter what. Each and every one of you is a sincerely good person and I feel blessed to have come across you.
There are so many people I have left out in this post but hopefully you all know who you are if you have created an impact on my life.
I’m sorry to anybody that this will hurt even in the slightest way. I am the one that has to live with the feeling daily and I just can’t take it anymore. Please don’t think this is selfish. Think about it from my end. I’m tired of hurting and I’m tired of bruises on my body and I’m tired of being told I’m not worth anything. I’m tired of hiding this feeling.
But to be honest peeps, I’m done. I’m hurt to the bone and I just don’t have any will power left in me. Please understand.
• Jody
EDIT: spaced out.